Given all the recent commencement exercises, here's something BeansTalk really enjoyed:
"Graduates, if you will indulge me for a moment, let me paint a picture of what it's like out there. The last four or, for some of you, five years you've been living in a fantasyland, running around, talking about Hemingway, or Clancy, or, I don't know, I mean whatever you read here at Harvard. The novelization of `The Matrix,' I don't know. I don't know what you do here.
"But I do know this. You're about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy and doublespeak, a world in which your limo to the airport is often a half hour late. In addition to not even being a limo at all; oftentimes it's a Lincoln Town Car. You're about to enter a world where you ask your new assistant, Jamie, to bring you a tall nonfat latte. And he comes back with a short soy cappuccino. Guess what, Jamie? You're fired. Not too hard to get right, my friend...
"As you set off into the world, don't be afraid to question your leaders. But don't ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard, because your leaders get tired and/or cranky. All of you sitting here have the brightest futures ahead. Many of you will go on to stellar careers and various pursuits. And four of you---and I'm not at liberty to say which four---will go on to star in the porno industry.
"One of the challenges you will be faced with is finding a job in our depressed economy. In fact, the chances of landing a decent job are about as good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert. Slim and none. And Slim just left the building. In fact, the closest thing I found to looking like a weapon of mass destruction is the turd that Dick Cheney left in the Oval Office toilet about an hour ago. On that note, God bless and happy graduation."